This story happened by accident last week when I decided to purchase ready made pasta sauce. With two major deadlines fast approaching, I was not going to have time to make my own. So, it was off to Safeway for some staple items and store bought sauce.

When I got to the huge aisle, lined with about fifty different kinds of ready made sauces, I did not know what to do. All of them had Italian inspired names, photos of old villages and glass jars to create the “homemade” effect. I did not know what to do, but glancing down the aisle, I noticed a lady taking jar after jar off the shelf. She looked like she could be a mom and moms want generally want to feed their kids good stuff, so I shuffled down the aisle and began scanning her cart for suggestion on what I should take. This lady had pulled ten jars of Classico Italian Sausage with Peppers and Onions and was beginning on the Classico Spicy Red Pepper sauces, so I took one of each.

I was mildly excited about trying the Italian Sausage with Peppers and Onions, which according to has savory sausage, peppers and onions, adding bold flavors to this hearty tomato sauce all inspired by the Abruzzi mountainous.

Until today, I have never once used profanity in an article but, this stuff was shit. No human should ever have to eat such a vial substance. It had a pasty, artificial flavor backed up with disgusting chunks of animal feed quality sausage that tasted like the pig who donated its life to this meat intentionally sabotaged its flesh in hopes of making some type of political statement about the mistreatment of animals. At this point, my gag reflex was at code red: “sever threat of activity,” and I without hesitation ran to the kitchen and proceeded to dispose of the hazardous material into extra strength garbage bags hoping of contain a possible outbreak.

Perturbed, I boiled some more water and began to heat up a portion of the Classico Spicy Red Pepper sauce. This stuff was inspired by the Romans.  It’s hard to know exactly what that means, but with the spices, there was a much better aroma permeating from the stove. Not wanting to destroy too much Spaghetti, I took about half a bowl and pored it into the Spicy Red Pepper sauce. This was not terrible, but it was not good, not even close to being edible for anyone who as the slightest of discerning taste buds. It was pasty, with a sweet beginning and a spicy finish that was akin to a red hot candy. But with a little water added to limit the pastiness and garlic, fresh black pepper, thyme, some fresh chipotles, I was able to have my pasta.

The Classico brand needs to seriously rethink these two product offerings. I understand that people do buy this stuff, but it should be considered a crime against humanity to sell it. The the people at Classico are depriving people of the enjoyment of a good plate of pasta and likely any hope of having a friendly dinner. This crap could insight riots.

So in the end I guess the lady I saw shoveling Classico sauces into her cart was a terrorist, pretending to be a mother. She likely wanted to kill her kids for never coming to the dinner table or her husband for cheating on her with the next door neighbor who makes her own tomato sauces.

A warning to anyone who tries Classico Italian Sausage pasta sauce, it’s likely you will not be happy, and it’s possible that whoever you serve it to will revolt. Parents, if you want to keep your kids at the table, serve cheese, and if you want them gone, serve Classico Italian Sausage with Peppers and Onions.